You finally think you’ve met THE ONE. In fact for all intents and purposes she could very well be your soul mate. Like you, she loves to walk in the rain… without an umbrella. Unfortunately, you live hundreds of miles apart. Do you have what it takes to survive (and thrive!) in a long distance relationship?
Is the end in sight?
According to Katheryn C. Maguire, PhD, an Assistant Professor in the Department of Communication at Wayne State University, based on her research over the past 15 years, there are a number of issues to consider before embarking on a long distance relationship (LDR).
One issue Dr. Maguire has studied in her work on college-student LDRs is whether there is an “end in sight.” In other words, if the partners know that the distance is just temporary, and they want to be together in the same city one day, then there is less distress and more satisfaction in the relationship. Couples who are experiencing only temporary separation are also more likely to use positive maintenance and coping strategies, such as working together on a problem and expressing their love and affection for each other during periods of separation. However, Dr. Maguire notes, if it is uncertain as to whether they will be together again, then the couple might have more difficulty coping with that situation.
Are you well-suited for a long distance relationship?
According to Dr. Maguire, some research has suggested that, some individuals who may not have the most secure relationship with their partner in the first place, or have a difficult time feeling “safe” in their relationships in general (e.g., fearing that their partner might leave them), may have a more difficult time coping.
Her research also suggests that if both partners are busy, then separation could be easier to manage, as they may not have the time to dwell on their partner’s absence. A good case scenario is someone who is independent, in that they can have their own life outside of their romantic relationship, and is emotionally connected with and committed to their partner.
“The independence will help them stay focused and busy, but the commitment will help them to stay faithful (or, at least, follow whatever “rules” or “guidelines” that the couple establishes prior to separation) and keep them investing in the relationship during periods of physical separation,” says Dr. Maguire.
5 essentials of a successful LDR
Dr. Maguire suggests these key factors need to be in place to maintain a successful LDR:
1. The one year mark is pivotal
Dr. Maguire notes that her research points to the one-year mark as important. Couples have said that they can cope when it is a year or less, but that ability to cope seems to decrease when the length of separation is over that one-year mark.
2. Consider the resources you have at your disposal
Ask yourself this question; do you have the money and time to maintain the relationship and visit each other? Research has shown that seeing each other face-to-face during the separation does help maintain the relationship.
3. Have a support system in place
Do you have the support of friends and family? Social support plays a large role in the maintenance of romantic relationships in general, but since we live in a society that seems to value face-to-face interaction (and as a result, proximal or same-city relationships) in the context of romantic relationships, couples might not have the support of their friends and family, and may hear comments such as “long distance relationships aren’t ‘real’ relationships” which certainly won’t help matters much.
4. The use of computer-mediated communication is a big plus
If both partners have access to the internet, then they can feel connected with their partner. This requires learning which channels of communication are good for particular types of conversations.
For instance, some couples may use instant messaging to do chit chat with each other — it is these daily, routine types of conversations that couples miss most, so IM can help re-incorporate that back into the relationship. Indeed, just the shear fact that they know they are on-line at the same time and could talk if they wanted to is enough to feel connected. Conflict and troubles-talk, however, might be better suited for face-to-face or telephone interactions to take advantage of the additional cues available (e.g., tone of voice, facial expressions). And video chat may be a good way to have those more emotional conversations so they can actually see each other (these can be frustrating if someone doesn’t have super-high speed internet access).
“It is important to note, however, that technology can be problematic. Some folks don’t know how to use technology effectively. Others might feel a greater sense of “loss” after a video-chat–they could see their partner, but not touch them,” notes Dr. Maguire. “And, some folks have mentioned that they might run out of things to say…or that too frequent texting or messaging could be perceived as intrusive or needy. Thus, it is important that couples talk about these issues in order to help set some expectations about their use.”
5. Creativity is another quality that helps couples maintain their relationship
Sending snail mail cards and letters, care packages, audio or video tapes, or leaving special messages that they might find in luggage or in an apartment are fun ways to stay connected. Some folks keep a diary and send it periodically; others might decide to read the same book or passage from a religious text at the same time so they can feel connected via the shared activity and have something to talk about during their next interaction.
People not suited for a long distance relationship
According to Dr. Maguire, it is difficult to say someone is “not suited” to be in an LDR, but some people may have a more difficult time coping than others.
If there isn’t a firm relationship foundation, or if there are trust issues prior to the physical separation, then these issues may surface or become exacerbated during the “long distance” part of the relationship. If an individual has a great need to see their partner all the time to feel committed or close to them, they might not cope as well when that face-to-face interaction is reduced/eliminated when the distance starts.
Also, the presence of children complicates matters, as one individual becomes, in essence, a single parent. The change can be traumatic for the children as well.
The bottom line: Do you have what it takes to go the distance together?
Couples who are considering this option should discuss their expectations, hopes, and fears before the decision is made. They should also communicate their needs — what is needed to help them stay satisfied in the relationship. This conversation should happen before the separation, but also during the separation when trouble is surfacing.
It is also important for expectations to be discussed, particularly in terms of the long-term picture. If two individuals are going the distance and see an endpoint in sight, then they can plan accordingly. If two people are going the distance for an indefinite period of time, and this is not a desirable end state, then they need to ask themselves if they are satisfied with this possibility.
The benefits one can reap from a long distance relationship
Some people consider it the best of both worlds — time to focus on your studies/job/life while apart, but then you have those special times together when you do visit one another.
“I would venture to guess there are some people who may actually seek out LDRs, so that they can focus on their professional lives while apart but still have that sense of connection with their partner, “ says Dr. Maguire. “Another big benefit, many of the individuals and couples with whom I have spoken say that their communication actually improves during periods of separation–they have to learn to express themselves to each other. And, the lack of face-to-face interaction actually helps some (particularly men) become more emotionally expressive to their partner and say things they might be more hesitant to say face-to-face.”
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