Role Playing 101

Sex life getting stale? Try switching it up with some fun, sexy role playing. This guide will help you free yourself to try something new; something good for your relationship.

Role playing?!

Just thinking of those words sends shivers down your spine and conjures outlandish leather get-ups, dog collars and handcuffs -three things you can’t imagine bringing into your bedroom… or can you? Let’s face it: Ongoing sex with the same person can get a bit stale. It’s not about love. It’s more the feeling that your sex life has become just another chore you need to check off your to-do list.

Of course, long-term monogamous sex will usually not cause the fireworks of a fresh, lustful relationship, incorporating a little role-playing into your bedroom may give your sex life the sizzle it lacks.

According to Jaiya, a certified somatic sexologist, author of Red Hot Touch: A Head-to-Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms and the creator of New World Sex Education, role play is important because it allows couples to step out of their everyday roles and gives them the freedom to try something new or often considered taboo.

“Role playing has many benefits and there is a lot that you can learn about and from each other as you step into these roles, “says Jaiya. “It can ultimately help couples keep things hot in the bedroom as it accesses parts of the brain that are responsible for the honeymoon period and having a great intimate life equals having a great relationship in many cases.”

Set some ground rules

It’s important to remember that you are always in a role (husband/wife, boss/employee), it is when you make a conscious effort to “play” and try on new roles that things can get very fun, but can also be frightening. If you are hesitant to step into a new role, just remember that you can always step back to where you feel comfortable or go as far as you and your partner would like. Often it is about exploring how far or deep you can go into the role; that is where the freedom lies.

Test the waters with this game of giving and receiving

Jaiya suggest newbies to the role playing game choose one of four types of characters to test-drive in their initial foray into the role playing game. Once they’ve decided which character they feel most comfortable assuming, they can choose a setting and then launch into their role-playing scenario!

The characters

Active giver: This person has the ability to uncover what their partner really desires. They ask questions to help uncover the most pleasurable ways to give unconditionally to their partner. They are 100% present with how they are giving. They play with the Passive Receiver.

Passive Giver: This person gives by allowing their partner to touch, caress and stimulate them in a way that their partner likes to touch or stimulate the Passive Giver. They give freely and unconditionally, not out of obligation or to get something in return.

Active Receiver: This person is great at receiving by “doing”. They work best with the “passive giver” because they are really able to get into the art of enjoying with their partner with their touch. They allow their hands, mouth, and body to really receive pleasure from what they are doing.

Passive Receiver: This person knows how to communicate to the “active giver” exactly what they desire so that they can just lay back and enjoy being touched, loved, and pleasured. The feel no need to get up and start giving, they soak up and savor every pleasure that is being given to them.

The settings

Massage Studio

Set up a massage studio with a table or mat on which to do massage. You will want to have an uninterrupted space with candles, soft music and lighting, plus oils and towels.

Spa

Use your bathroom to create a sensual spa atmosphere. Have naturally scented soaps, vibrating sponges, candles, and bath oils ready to use.

Tantric Temple

Use colorful scarves to decorate your bedroom. Burn incense and candles and play Indian or Eastern Music; set the scene so that one of you can be a Tantric Master.

Picnic Feast

Put together an amazing picnic lunch with succulent fruits, chocolate and other aphrodisiacs. Take a mat or blankets and set up in a private outdoor space if possible.

The game

Decide beforehand who will play what character and stick with what you choose. Make sure that you will have at least 30 minutes uninterrupted. Create roles that correspond to your setting and the character you will be. For example, if you have decided that you are going to be the Active Giver and your partner is the Passive Receiver and your setting is the Massage Studio, you would be the masseur and your partner the client. The only rule of the game is that you must sink as deep as possible into your role for a minimum of 30 minutes.

How to write a love letter

The Quick Power Write Method for Love Notes, Love Letters and Love Poems

by Martin Kimeldorf, author of How To Be In Love, Forever

Create a treasured gift

Give a love poem to your very best friend and that gift will be treasured for a life time. But it can be a daunting task if you’ve never written one before. In this article, I’ll show you how to use the Power Write methods to handily create your first love poem. To help you get started, you may want to begin with Love Letters or Love Notes. I will ask you to start by quickly listing the first thing that comes into your mind about pizza and pets. Later we’ll progress to people. Thus, your first poem may be to a pepperoni pizza or your cat.

Even if you believe you cannot write well (or at all) you will be shocked to find how easy and enjoyable writing can be when you use this layman’s approach. Because the Power Writing techniques connect you with the joy of writing, you will eventually look forward to writing more poems, notes and letters in the future. At the same time, these techniques have also been used by professional authors to get their “flow” going after they run into a writing block. Power Writing is a muscular approach that brooks no dawdling or distractions because you will be writing against a timer. Once you master this method, you’ll rarely let doubt or confusion stop you from writing a poem, note or love letter. The basic steps and exercises are explained next. Go ahead; take them out for a spin…

Step 1—Think of an easy, enjoyable topic, like pizza

We’ll start with a concrete, tasty topic like a favorite food; a dish with many different ways to prepare it. For me, I choose pizza but yours could be a hot fudge sundae, potato salad, hamburger, salad or sandwich. The key is to find something with many possible ingredients because you are going to create the worlds greatest pizza/sandwich/salad etc.

Step 2—Power Write about a concrete subject you enjoy

Begin by writing a title for a list of ingredients like: The World’s Greatest Pizza. Second, set a timer for 1 minute. After you start the timer, write down every ingredient that pops into your mind. There is one cardinal rule governing your scribbling: you must keep your hand moving, writing all the time. If you get stuck after writing pepperoni and can’t think of another thing, just keep repeating the last word you wrote: pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni …until another ingredient pops into your mind. After the buzzer sounds stop, cross out the duplicates and count up your total ingredients. Repeat this for 2 minutes with another food and see if you can beat your previous count. Try this method for other topics that bring you joy. The topics should be concrete and not abstract nor about people. For instance, don’t write about your boss, instead write about your favorite jobs. Don’t write about love; write about places you’d love to visit. When you are comfortable writing lists we’ll move on, but first let me tell you why this method is so important to master.

Writer’s Block is shared by professional writers and lay people alike. What kills all writing is the editor in your head. As you start to write, a little voice speaks up, asking things like:

• Why do you think you can write?
• How dare you presume to be a writer!
• Your brother-sister could do better than you.
• Do you really know this topic well or are you just parroting other’s words?
• Will you be able to do this subject justice?
• Why are you doing this?

The questions, the doubts, the shaken confidence interrupts the flow, preventing you from enjoying the task at hand. You abruptly realize (or so you think) that you have nothing to say. After all, you can’t think of one more ingredient for that pizza. This doubt can overcome any writer, even an advanced and well known writer.

A poet in my neck of the woods once received a very prestigious award, and was given the title of “poetic genius.” But the title cast a long shadow and in an interview she confided how her writing suddenly didn’t make sense to her and she shut down. To get out of that mess she went back to one of her mentors who had always felt that writer’s block is caused by setting unrealistic expectations. It was another case of the internal critic squelching the writing effort. However, when you write against time, you have to block out the critic to complete the task. And because it is just a list, you can easily give yourself permission to play. As a result, writing returns to the fountainhead of joy.

In most writing classes the instructor might suggest that these lists are part of a pre-writing stage. It usually comes after researching or thinking deeply about your subject. The list-making process helps to release ideas from the unconsciousness, bypasses the internal critic, and build confidence in your topic. The words on the list provide starter ideas to help generate a title, a line or an entire poem. If you find that writing against time bugs you then stop. Try writing without the timer. But if you still stall out, then you probably need to go back and keep filling the mind and heart up to the brim. To learn additional techniques for filling up your writing reservoir see the longer piece entitled How I Write Poems.

Step 3—Write about a favorite animal

Let’s now choose to write about a subject that is more deeply felt. Again, we’ll avoid abstract thoughts like justice and special people in your life. Instead, let’s pick a favorite animal and later a pet.

Begin by conjuring up in your mind an image of a farm animal that intrigues you. For me it was pig.

Now create a title for your farm animal list. (You may use my Pig if you like). Approach the first farm list in a very concrete way. Write about all the things you see in the image. Simply describe what it looks like. Pretend you are writing a poster or want ad for a missing pig and you need to describe your special pig to others. In fact, let’s use a beginning title like Missing Pig. Set the timer for 1 to 2 minutes. Then try a second list describing all the things the pig does or has lived through. Think of it as a My Pig’s Resume.

Lastly, we’ll cut a little closer to stronger feelings. This time fix your gaze upon an image of a favorite pet or animal in your life. Again, begin simply by describing what the picture shows or what the pet looks like. Then find another picture with a humorous or expressive bent like these: Finally, we’ll move our animal lists up a notch by writing more deeply about the story that lies behind the image. Here are some possible list topics:

• If my dog could talk he would say…
• My cat has taught me these things…
• If my horse were gone I’d have these feelings…
• I always enjoyed doing these with my pet…
• This is what I love most about my dog…

After all these lists, you may have discovered the secret power that results from keeping your hand moving and repeating a single word when you get stuck. First, the continual movement quiets the conscious mind. With the self-aware critic silenced, thoughts from the subconscious begin to bubble up. In essence, the momentum of the moving hand silences the internal editor and opens the gates to your inner thoughts and feelings.

Step 4—Pick a list to convert into a note, letter or poem

Now it’s time to pick from all the lists, one you enjoy the most. Which listing stirs up the most feelings? Which one has the most interesting words? Does one list make you laugh? Did you find a word that caused you to catch your breath? It won’t matter which one you pick, just find one that means something to you. Next, consider if you’d like to convert the list to a poem, a page long letter or a brief note. Think of the note as an in-depth caption for the picture ranging from 2 to 6 lines, while the letter may be more personal. And if you are comfortable writing a poem, start there. You won’t use every item on your list. And some words may even combine into a single phrase. Review your list and circle your favorite words. Then pick one or two to write about.

Step 5—Give yourself permission to write crap

Oh, and before you start, add the word “crap” to your title. For instance, mine might look like this:

Crap Franky Might Say…

I’m the clown dog
searching for a perfect cracker

When you’re away
I’m the down dog
waiting for my faithful master.

Why crap?

It’s all about giving yourself permission to write a poem, letter or note. It’s all about forgetting high standards and great expectations because these will kill your writing effort. If you think of this as a word-doodle, a sketch, a rough first draft and not a Pulitzer Prize winner, then you can enjoy the experience. Just get the first draft of ideas down quickly, later you can eliminate or change lines.

Oh, and don’t forget to set the timer. Try a bit longer, say 4 to 8 minutes. When you write this fast, forget about spelling and grammar. Just slam those words down!! And if you get stuck, just repeat the name of your subject…and keep the hand moving!

Step 6—Change the title

Now you are home free with a first draft. Remove the word crap from the title and at the end of the title add draft #1.

A Note To Franky The Thinker
Draft # 1

What goes on behind those schnauzer eyes?

Is it just the scent of a squirrel, a treat, old socks?

Are you just in the moment to my surprise?

You come when called, It’s all I ask…

And with that pose I too come
when called by your piercing eyes…

Let your poem-letter-note sit for a day or two before going back to revise or edit out mistakes. And if you want to go deeper into the writing process look at the other essay: How I Write A Poem

Step 7—After the apprenticeship, write about a special friend, partner or lover

You’ve completed your apprenticeship. You are now ready to use the Power Writing techniques on a bigger topic. Create a list for someone you care about. Circle your favorite words or phrases. Then, with the timer going, keep the hand moving, and slam down that first draft…

In conclusion…

Always begin simply with lists about concrete items you know well. Then progress to a person or pet for which you have deep feeling. Start by converting your list to a note. In themselves they are as powerful as poems. This is demonstrated at right in the sample created by my neighbor for his wife Sherry. She wrote me the following:

This is one of the many love notes Mike has written to me. This one was written before we were married and I commuted every weekend to be with Mike. He always tucked a love note inside a packaged lunch he made for me for my trip back to Canada.

It is just a short step from a note to a poem. No, correct that… I think Mike’s note is a poem in my books.

Finding Mr. Right: Are You TOO picky?!

You are a self-described serial dater. It’s not that you have a problem getting dates; rather, committing to those second dates is what you find so difficult. Are your expectations too high? Will you ever find someone who can meet them?

You can hear your mother’s voice, playing on an almost continuous loop in the small of your mind shouting, “Oh, you’re too picky! So what if his hands are big? What’s wrong with a guy who wears a sweat suit on a date? You’re never going to give me grandchildren!” But you still can’t bring yourself to overlook those characteristics you disdain.

Sure, you’ll admit you’re particular and that you’re not a spring chicken - or perfection personified either. Still, regardless of fully accepting your own flaws, there are just certain non-negotiables you can’t seem to adapt to in a mate.

Top 5 Unrealistic Expectations of a Partner

According to Dr. Karin Anderson, Associate Professor of Psychology and Counselor Education at Concordia University Chicago and author of the book, It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet, unrealistic expectations can work against you in your quest for love. In fact, Dr. Anderson notes, if you see yourself in any of these categories, you may be sabotaging your love life without even realizing it!

#1 Unrealistic expectations of perfection: Enough with the “soul mate” idea already.

#2 Unrealistic expectations of similarity: Your man will never want to go to the mall with you and your girlfriend’s eyes will always glaze over when you prattle off MLB stats.

#3 Unrealistic expectations of romance: Eventually, he won’t bring you flowers anymore and she’ll start wearing sweats to bed. You can bank on it.

#4 Unrealistic expectations of change: If it’s not working, get out so you make room for the right one to come along.

#5 Unrealistic expectations of fulfillment: “You complete me” is a bad line from Jerry McGuire, not a philosophy for a healthy relationship. It’s the new millennium. Complete yourself.

So now what?

Dr. Anderson says, if you find you resonate with any of the above, here are some surefire ways to let go of unrealistic expectations and let love in!

#1 Perfection: It’s not that you have to abandon the hope of finding a soul mate entirely; you just need to expand your conception of the term. Maybe it’s time you recognize the soul mates you already have in your life—kindred spirits like your best friend or your dear Aunt Marie. True, finding a confidante is a rare gift, yet it’s possible you’ll meet several soul mates throughout your lifetime. But realize your soul mate doesn’t have to come in the form of a romantic partner!

#2 Similarity: Of course you want to date someone with similar interests, but it’s unrealistic to think your paramour will share every single one of your passions and pursuits. Furthermore, if you’re heterosexual, you can forget about this for sure because men and women can only relate on so much—then our hormones take over and propel us in opposite directions—he to the court to play pick-up basketball, she to the salon for a mani-pedi.

Expecting your partner to do everything you do is a recipe for misery. Here’s a thought, how about calling up the friends you ditched when you hooked up with your new flame 3 months ago. They really miss you and would love to check out that shoe sale at Macy’s.

#3 Romance: Get real! Life isn’t a chick flick! It’s perfectly fine to date someone for a while and then decide he/she isn’t romantic enough for you—that happens. But are you doing your part to fuel the fire? If you require silk sheets and serenades, be sure you cultivate this element in your courtship.

Don’t move in with a guy, get mad that he no longer woos you, and leave him because his feet smell and he belches in bed. When you broke out the sweats and scuncis, you sent the message that wining and dining was no longer top priority.

#4 Change: We complain, complain, complain and want them to change, change, change, but we’re missing the whole point of dating. The goal isn’t to alter someone to fit you; it’s to find someone who’s already a good fit. We socialize children, not partners. If you’re not happy because your lover lacks qualities you desire, it’s your fault for sticking around. Expecting to eventually create the perfect partner prevents you from meeting a compatible one.

#5 Fulfillment: It’s your job to fulfill yourself. Period. A companion should compliment your life, not complete it. Expecting someone to fill your intrapersonal voids is not only immature, it’s impossible. No one can make you happy. No one can give your life meaning and purpose. No one can save you from yourself. Until you recognize this, you’ll keep dismissing perfectly wonderful partners because they haven’t been able to miraculously bandage up all your psychological wounds or haul off your emotional baggage.

10 First Date Don’ts

Two things you should never do on a first date: Fart. Use a coupon. Here are 10 more things, perhaps less obvious, that you should also never do on a first date…

Dates can be incredibly nerve wracking; especially first dates — where, essentially, you get only one chance to make a first impression. Agonizing over your hair, your makeup, what to wear - that all goes with the territory. But worrying about your appearance is just one component of first date prep.

Once you’ve decided on your look, there’s the issue of mental preparation. There are certain behaviors that are guaranteed to suck all the positive energy out of the room. Need a hint? Don’t fart! And NEVER use a coupon (including that “Buy one get one half off” coupon you just happen to have for the restaurant you’re going to).

Aside from these obvious non-negotiable behaviors, what are some other things you should NEVER do on a first date? Paul A. Falzone CEO of eLove, offers these 10 things you should never do and on a first date and why.

#1 Never talk about your ex – pretty self-explanatory. Talking about the ex tells your date you’re either: (a.) bitter, (b.) still hung up on them or (c.) both.

#2 Don’t talk about religion and politics. Most people have fairly strong opinions on both. On a first date, you really don’t want the conversation to get that heavy. There will be a time for those topics if things progress.

#3 Never talk about your salary or your date’s – again, money doesn’t make for good first date fodder. If you’re talking about how much you make, it could be construed as bragging or complaining. Inquiring about how much your date makes just doesn’t create a good first impression.

#4 Never take calls on your cell phone – put your phone on vibrate and put it out of sight.

#5 No texting – if you’re serious in getting to know this person, they deserve 100% of your attention. In most cases, whatever text you’re receiving doesn’t require a response right that second.

#6 Never expect your date to pay for everything – for many men, it’s a pride thing and they just won’t let their dates pay for anything. That’s fine, but you should always offer. If it’s a first date where you’re just getting to know each other or this is the first time you’ve met in person, it’s not unreasonable for it to be Dutch treat. Whatever you do, do not discuss who’s paying until you’re ready to pay the check.

#7 Never make future date plans during the date – again, the first date is a chance to get to know each other. Even if the date is going well, do not commit to a second date during the first date. You owe it to yourself to go home and reflect before taking the next step.

#8 Never bring gifts or accept gifts on the first date – yeah, a guy giving flowers on a date is romantic. It’s also a gesture that’s much more fitting after you’ve been seeing somebody. A gift on the first date almost begs the question: is this really you?

#9 Never eat or drink to excess – first dates are about first impressions. Stuffing your face or drinking to the point of intoxication does not typically achieve that objective. That doesn’t mean abstention, just moderation.

#10 Never go to the movies on a first date – the idea is to get to know each other. Sitting in a dark movie theater doesn’t lend itself well to conversation. Invariably, the only thing you end up talking about is the movie.

So tell us… what are some things you think one should NEVER do on a first date? Do you have any first date horror stories or red-face moments?

5 Essentials for a Succesful LDR

You finally think you’ve met THE ONE. In fact for all intents and purposes she could very well be your soul mate. Like you, she loves to walk in the rain… without an umbrella. Unfortunately, you live hundreds of miles apart. Do you have what it takes to survive (and thrive!) in a long distance relationship?

Is the end in sight?

According to Katheryn C. Maguire, PhD, an Assistant Professor in the Department of Communication at Wayne State University, based on her research over the past 15 years, there are a number of issues to consider before embarking on a long distance relationship (LDR).

One issue Dr. Maguire has studied in her work on college-student LDRs is whether there is an “end in sight.” In other words, if the partners know that the distance is just temporary, and they want to be together in the same city one day, then there is less distress and more satisfaction in the relationship. Couples who are experiencing only temporary separation are also more likely to use positive maintenance and coping strategies, such as working together on a problem and expressing their love and affection for each other during periods of separation. However, Dr. Maguire notes, if it is uncertain as to whether they will be together again, then the couple might have more difficulty coping with that situation.

Are you well-suited for a long distance relationship?

According to Dr. Maguire, some research has suggested that, some individuals who may not have the most secure relationship with their partner in the first place, or have a difficult time feeling “safe” in their relationships in general (e.g., fearing that their partner might leave them), may have a more difficult time coping.

Her research also suggests that if both partners are busy, then separation could be easier to manage, as they may not have the time to dwell on their partner’s absence. A good case scenario is someone who is independent, in that they can have their own life outside of their romantic relationship, and is emotionally connected with and committed to their partner.

“The independence will help them stay focused and busy, but the commitment will help them to stay faithful (or, at least, follow whatever “rules” or “guidelines” that the couple establishes prior to separation) and keep them investing in the relationship during periods of physical separation,” says Dr. Maguire.

5 essentials of a successful LDR

Dr. Maguire suggests these key factors need to be in place to maintain a successful LDR:

1. The one year mark is pivotal

Dr. Maguire notes that her research points to the one-year mark as important. Couples have said that they can cope when it is a year or less, but that ability to cope seems to decrease when the length of separation is over that one-year mark.

2. Consider the resources you have at your disposal

Ask yourself this question; do you have the money and time to maintain the relationship and visit each other? Research has shown that seeing each other face-to-face during the separation does help maintain the relationship.

3. Have a support system in place

Do you have the support of friends and family? Social support plays a large role in the maintenance of romantic relationships in general, but since we live in a society that seems to value face-to-face interaction (and as a result, proximal or same-city relationships) in the context of romantic relationships, couples might not have the support of their friends and family, and may hear comments such as “long distance relationships aren’t ‘real’ relationships” which certainly won’t help matters much.

4. The use of computer-mediated communication is a big plus

If both partners have access to the internet, then they can feel connected with their partner. This requires learning which channels of communication are good for particular types of conversations.

For instance, some couples may use instant messaging to do chit chat with each other — it is these daily, routine types of conversations that couples miss most, so IM can help re-incorporate that back into the relationship. Indeed, just the shear fact that they know they are on-line at the same time and could talk if they wanted to is enough to feel connected. Conflict and troubles-talk, however, might be better suited for face-to-face or telephone interactions to take advantage of the additional cues available (e.g., tone of voice, facial expressions). And video chat may be a good way to have those more emotional conversations so they can actually see each other (these can be frustrating if someone doesn’t have super-high speed internet access).

“It is important to note, however, that technology can be problematic. Some folks don’t know how to use technology effectively. Others might feel a greater sense of “loss” after a video-chat–they could see their partner, but not touch them,” notes Dr. Maguire. “And, some folks have mentioned that they might run out of things to say…or that too frequent texting or messaging could be perceived as intrusive or needy. Thus, it is important that couples talk about these issues in order to help set some expectations about their use.”

5. Creativity is another quality that helps couples maintain their relationship

Sending snail mail cards and letters, care packages, audio or video tapes, or leaving special messages that they might find in luggage or in an apartment are fun ways to stay connected. Some folks keep a diary and send it periodically; others might decide to read the same book or passage from a religious text at the same time so they can feel connected via the shared activity and have something to talk about during their next interaction.

People not suited for a long distance relationship

According to Dr. Maguire, it is difficult to say someone is “not suited” to be in an LDR, but some people may have a more difficult time coping than others.

If there isn’t a firm relationship foundation, or if there are trust issues prior to the physical separation, then these issues may surface or become exacerbated during the “long distance” part of the relationship. If an individual has a great need to see their partner all the time to feel committed or close to them, they might not cope as well when that face-to-face interaction is reduced/eliminated when the distance starts.

Also, the presence of children complicates matters, as one individual becomes, in essence, a single parent. The change can be traumatic for the children as well.

The bottom line: Do you have what it takes to go the distance together?

Couples who are considering this option should discuss their expectations, hopes, and fears before the decision is made. They should also communicate their needs — what is needed to help them stay satisfied in the relationship. This conversation should happen before the separation, but also during the separation when trouble is surfacing.

It is also important for expectations to be discussed, particularly in terms of the long-term picture. If two individuals are going the distance and see an endpoint in sight, then they can plan accordingly. If two people are going the distance for an indefinite period of time, and this is not a desirable end state, then they need to ask themselves if they are satisfied with this possibility.

The benefits one can reap from a long distance relationship

Some people consider it the best of both worlds — time to focus on your studies/job/life while apart, but then you have those special times together when you do visit one another.

“I would venture to guess there are some people who may actually seek out LDRs, so that they can focus on their professional lives while apart but still have that sense of connection with their partner, “ says Dr. Maguire. “Another big benefit, many of the individuals and couples with whom I have spoken say that their communication actually improves during periods of separation–they have to learn to express themselves to each other. And, the lack of face-to-face interaction actually helps some (particularly men) become more emotionally expressive to their partner and say things they might be more hesitant to say face-to-face.”

5 Steps to Housekeeping Harmony

Once you and your love are living under the same roof, nothing takes the bloom off the rose of new love faster than arguments about who should be doing which chores. Don’t let that resentment simmer! You can take action and build your relationship instead. Here’s how.

Drawing the battle lines

Catherine Behan, CEO of Attract Your Soul Mate Now believes that marrying a man who’d been a bachelor for a solid 13 years before they met certainly had some major advantages.

“One of his most appealing qualities was his facility with household chores. He did his own laundry (a huge plus) and even though he had a housekeeper, he kept his home neat, took out his own trash and cleaned the cat box for his elderly kitty, ” says Behan.

However, like many couples, after a few years of domestic bliss they began experiencing some tension over the division of household chores. They didn’t talk about it much, but Behan notes that she could feel some resentment creeping in as she took on the cat poo responsibilities and could sense in him the same resentment as he took out the trash and recycling.

Behan says there were very strong traditional lines drawn when it came to dividing the household jobs; patterns she didn’t want to repeat in her second marriage.

“There were female tasks and male tasks and I lived with a lot of unrecognized resentment, ” says Ms. Behan. “I say unrecognized because I really and truly thought that I was NOT resentful. In fact, our lives were full of passive aggressive behavior from both sides.”

Communicating expectations

When it came to her second marriage, Ms. Behan was determined to keep the lines of communication open and essentially work out their differences before they became too big to manage. “The cool thing about communicating our needs,” says Behan, “Is that it helped us think more creatively when it came to dealing with piddly distractions like who does what around the house.”

And so the zone method was born. They decided to break up the chores into household zones with each of them in charge of their own zone. Then they switch off on a weekly basis.

“We still are in charge of our own laundry, although I have been known to toss a few pairs of panties in with his clothes now and then to keep him on his toes! We each clean a cat box and often share cooking and cleaning and we make the bed together every day,” says Behan. “The best part of this is that each of us knows what is expected of us by the other partner and there is none of that sneaky resentment stuff creeping in.”

The Zone Method

Behan offers these tips for instituting the Zone Method to keep household chores from killing your relationship

1. You both need to write two lists.

The household tasks that you don’t mind doing and the ones you hate doing. Sometimes one of your hated tasks is one your partner doesn’t mind doing at all. This is a great starting point for creating your zones.

2. Agree on two to three tasks that will always be your responsibility.

Perhaps it will be your laundry as it is with my husband and I. We also are in charge of our offices.

3. Pick at least one task you can do together.

We cook and clean the kitchen together at least once a week and we also do projects like gardening or cleaning the garage as a team. We put on some tunes and beebop our way through the task at hand.

4. Once you pick your zones, agree on a schedule to switch.

This help keep you fresh and motivated for dealing with your zone. When we first started, my husband chose to do the kitchen as a permanent zone. I had the living room and dining room. Well, he tired of the kitchen after a month so we switched. I love doing the kitchen now after a month off and he is happily taking care of the other rooms.

5. Celebrate your success.

Compliment your partner on his or her zone. Tell your partner not only how much up appreciate your newly ordered home, but how very much you appreciate the attitude of cooperation that is happening. Resentment has no place in a soul mate relationship and with plans like the zone method, you can keep those love fires burning!